Saturday, June 28, 2008

I *Heart* a clean house...

Yes, ME! Un-domestic mama has become domestic. And I owe it all to Darla Shine and her Happy Housewives Club.


Let me tell you a little story...

I tried flylady, I tried a cleaning lady, I tried begging, crying, pleading, working my butt off, sitting on my butt, bitching, whining, moaning, stimulants (not hardcore drugs, nicotine and coffee). I tried list, I tried reminders, I tried EVERY book I could get my hands on about cleaning and organizing. I tried every website my little fingers could google. I tried doing nothing but cleaning and doing everything but cleaning.

Nothing, and I mean nothing worked.

Til I found Darla's book and this website. I ALMOST did not by the book, based on a bad review at amazon, saying it was an out-dated 50's view point and that Darla thought men was superior to women or something to that effect. So I kept searching for the magic pill, but something would NOT let me forget about the book. So I googled Darla (sounds dirty ) and found the site. I read the homepage and then clicked on the Homemaking page and read all 20 pages without stopping.

Then I bought the book and never looked back. In the last three months my family has went from eating take-out and living in squalor (doggie doo in the floor, cause I just didnt have time to potty train a dog, kids making one mess after another, dishes that had not been cleaned in two weeks, ceiling fans that were off balance due to the dirt and dust build up, etc. etc.) It was bad.

Now, three months later... my kitchen is ALWAYS clean. I can't sleep at night if it isn't. My dog is potty trained. My kids are picking up after themselves without being asked (mostly) I cook dinner EVERY night. We have not had takeout in at least two months. My laundry is clean and put away after every load. We all have clean and matching sheets on our beds. I can find stuff.

I feel good. I love how clean my house is. I let people in when they come to visit. I can clean the whole house in under 30 minutes at any given time. I am sooooo much less stressed about the house. I am not dreading school starting at all.

Thank You Darla. I am happy, my kids are better (somewhat) behaved, my husband (I think?) is happier about the house (even though he rarely said anything about it when it was nasty) If it was not for your book and this website, I KNOW how bad it would still be and how miserable I would still be.

So to anyone that is on the fence and has tried everything else, grab this book and ALLOW yourself to change. Don't listen to anyone else who says it wont work cause it never has. Don't let them see the book if that is what it takes. Just do it. Give Darla and everyone here a chance to help you. It is SO worth it!

Go Here!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Blog? What blog?

OHHHH!!! This blog. Yeah, I remember now.

Its been a while. Why, when summer time is supposed to be relaxing and easier, without the rush rush when school is in and the holidays seasons, is summer busier than any of the other times of the year?

I dunno either. I alternate between not being able to get anything done, to being bored out of my mind with nothing to do. Besides wait for the puppies to open their eyes so I can play with them.. Grow little mutts! Grow! Get furry and fat so you can trip me by being under my feet and chew up my favorite shoes.

Ahh. The waiting kills me.

My kids are summer school drop-outs. They went all of two days before proclaiming that mom was right, and children should not go to school during the summer. That's right. I am right and know-er of everything. WaaHAAA!

But with good things, like school being out, comes the bad. Like boredom. Thing 1 & 2 spent all of yesterday fighting over..... are you ready for it....


A CARDBOARD BOX!

Yeah, like one of those brown boxes that target and other wonderful stores, ships things in. A box.

Out of the BILLIONS of toys and TRILLIONS of dollars I have spent on them, my kids choose to fight over recycled paper products.

*sigh* When does school start again?

Monday, June 9, 2008

I'm a puppy grandma!

After weeks of waiting and a due date that was off by 5 days I came home last night to two born puppies and one puppy on its way in to the world.

On my loveseat that is two weeks old.

Good times.

But the wet spot ( I had enough brain cells to cover the cushions in case of such an event) on the back of one cushion was not enough to poop my party of puppies!

We ended up with four rat looking little guys and girls (two of each) that look fat and healthy and are nursing like pros.

Retard-o the wonder puppy evidently is good at being a mama, even if she can't get this -you-gotta-pee-outside- thing down.

But hey, we can't all be good at everything...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Remember that huge test I had to study for so I could get in to this exclusive program at school that only had 20 seats.....

Well, I got in!!

BUT ( isn't there always a but) I am having a hard time feeling good about it cause:

a.) gas prices are horrid and just getting worse and I have a feeling I am going to have to drive 160 miles a DAY (to the school and back) 4-5 days a week. AHHGG!

b.) I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something is bound to go wrong cause it always has in the last 10 years since I began this journey toward a college education.

What if this isn't the right time and then my chances for doing this will be gone and I never get picked again and for some reason we go broke trying to afford gas and then the nice crappy banker takes everything back and I suck.

Okay. Deep breath. I need a Sangaria and a nap.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Breaking News!

I MADE THE DEAN"S LIST!! ( like honor roll for grown ups)


that is all...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Friend has a German Weiner!

Oh that is sick! Its her dog! Hello! It is part German Shepard and part Dachshund (weiner dog).

I am going to have Yorkie puppies anytime in the next week or so... the build-a-bear underwear and pantyliner worked well... until boogs the wonder dog learned to leap buildings in a single bound and knocked up my girl while I was at school. At least they are both yorkies and I am not going to get any weird breeds... like Borkies (beagle and yorkie?) or Porkies (pugs and yorkies?) or Dorkies! (weiner dog and yorkie?)

I just cant. wait. to play midwife to a dog. Even if it is my dog. Wonder if I can talk Hubs into helping if things go bad... Wonder if I can get the vet (who assures me that assistance is probably not going to be needed by me and I can stop worrying about my dog dying, cause yorkies are tiny when born.), but I her stomach is so freaking big it looks like there is a 6 month old pony in there, to take her til she delievers.( wow who knew I could mess up punction that badly)
Just let her stay awhile. Wonder if they make preganant doggie spa's?
Seriously, the dog is so big that she can no longer just lie down. She kinda just falls on to her side, and she sleeps on her back with her legs all sprawled out to the sides. She prefers Hubs side of the bed and his pillow. Smart doggie.

Schools out... the Teacher let the Monkeys out...

one went east... one went west... one went up the teachers dress!

WAHHHAAA.

SCHOOL IS OUT! I AM FREE!!

Now that I got that out of my system...

I am offically out for the summer. Besides those online classes, but I still have 10 days before they start.

While I am free from school work, I am not free from the wreck that is my home. So for the next three days I will be doing a massive clean that involves rubber gloves and chemicals that will rid me off any lingering nose hairs I may have.

I figure it will take me three days to go through every nook and cranny and cabniet and corner and sanatize any kid germs that may be lurking. shudder

I am also positive I am going to find something that will make interesting blog fodder.

I am going in, if I don't return within 3 days please call in Merry Maids to free me from whatever pile of junk I am stuck under. (tell them to bring their carpet cleaner and they can do my floors too!)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Lingerie.. more work than its worth?

I ordered some lingerie to help celebrate Hubs birthday and our 10 anniversary of wedded bliss. I found a great (read: cheap) site online that has some amazing stuff and great selection at really great prices. So I ordered some.

Now, I am not big on lingerie just cause it always seemed like a waste of money in earlier wedded years, mainly cause it cost money and we didn't have any. Now we have a little. So I bought some. Nothing like keeping it alive like getting slutted (is that a word?) up.

So I pull out the dominatrix looking outfit (black lace up corset, 5 inch stripper heels, fishnet stockings with those things that hold them up and snap to the corset, g-string that could be better suited as fishing line) and hop in the bathroom to get dressed.

First, I notice that I really need to shave as the forest of leg hair takes away the effects of the fishnet. I couldn't take a shower for fear of messing up my sexyfied (is that a word?) hair that I done early in the day and put up in a ponytail to make it mommy like til the kids went to bed. So I am balancing in the tub, trying to shave parts a razor should never ever get close to and take a hunk of perfectly good skin out of my ankle. We all know oozing wounds just add to the sex appeal.

That finished I did some supposed sexy eye make-up with the whole smoky look and red lips. I ended up with one red eye from poking myself with the black eyeliner.

Now that my ankle is bleeding and my eye is watering and red I laced up the back of the corset and then tried to figure out how to get the damn thing on with out all the laces coming out. I doubt that I can lace it back up while wearing it since the laces are behind me. I decide stepping in to it might be easier than pulling it over my head. This is before I realized that my hips are bigger than my head.

Eventually I get wiggled in to it and the laces are mostly straight. I only broke a little bit of a sweat. I commence to getting on the fishnet stockings. Fishnets can make you feel like a sex goddess. Until you snag them with your ragged thumb nail and remind yourself of how badly you need a manicure. So I get them on and untangle my poor thumb nail and then realize that the stocking suspender things (what is the name of these stupid things!) did not come with instructions. I have no idea how to work them or get my stockings attached to them. Finally after breaking an even bigger sweat and my pinky nail I get them open (really how hard would it be to write slide this way with an arrow on these things)

Okay, sexy hair.. check..sexy makeup.. check..dominatrix corset...check... fishnet stockings with blood spot from ankle and snags from thumb nail... check. Now all I need are the shoes.

I LOVE shoes. I have never met a pair I didn't like and I own all the pairs I love. So when I found these strappy black ones with the ankle straps and the amazing 5 inch pointy heel I knew I needed them. I can't possibly rule the bedroom with out a good pair of shoes.

What know one ever tells you is that once you get your foot in a pair of 5 inch heels you HAVE to stand up and prop your foot on something to get the ankle strap, closed. Its just not humanly possible to get it done any other way ( unless you are flexiable and I am NOT). So I get one on and get it strapped without a whole lot of sweat or tears. Then I try to put on the other one.

Have you ever attempted to balance on one leg while wearing 5 inch stilts? I just about feel over and knocked my head on the sink TWICE while trying to get this f-ing shoe on!! I can just imagine my kids or the paramedics finding me with a bleeding head wound sprawled on the bathroom floor with all this garb, minus a shoe, on.

Finally I get all these torture devices on and then realize if I can't balance in them, I sure as hell can't walk in them! So I did this pigeon toed shuffle all the way back to the bedroom, fearing that the paramedics would find me in the kitchen, sprawled on the floor, with a broken back.

At this point the only thing I deserve more than hot lovin' is some Ben&Jerry's straight from the carton.

But I am on a mission, so I shuffle on and make it to the bedroom without falling or breaking anything.

I am thinking that if women are dressing like this for a living and doing 10 costume changes a night they can not possibly getting paid enough!

Friday, May 16, 2008

I have been married 10 years! Already?

I forgot to post on the actual day, but Hubs and me have been married for 10 years since May 9th. Can you believe we have put up with each other that long? I figured he would have traded me in when my waist line went in to hiding with Thing 1 and never returned...

Must be my domestic abilites that keep him coming back for more. Yeah. Thats it.

Just thought I would share.

I'll finish this week or die trying!

Could this week get any longer? I sure as heck hope not!

Thing 2 graduated Kindergarden. She was so cute waving her little colored streamers to the song " over the rainbow" when she came in with her class. My little space cadet however, kept waving her rainbow through the. whole. graduation. My kid inattentive? Nah. She gets that from her mama. Ah well.

Thing 1 started volleyball camp this week. She has the coordination of a frog. She gets that from me to. Poor thing. All she can really do is hop after the ball. Plus if her chicken legs or wrist get any smaller the ball will break them. I don't know where she gets that. Now, I aint a "Big" mama, but I have never been "slight." Must be from her 6 foot daddy that weighs 220 and has muscles in his forearm bigger than my butt cheek. Yeah, that is probably were she gets all them bones.

Speaking of Hubs.... wonder were he is. I am not sure I have seen him this semester. If he was smart he ran off and found him ( or me) a wife that can cook and clean and do other wifey type stuff. Not one stuck to her laptop writing papers about bacteria and stem cells. Ehh. I am just so much fun, we all know he would never be able to replace me.

I am so far behind I think I passed the finish line going the wrong way. Tuesday I am done, even if I don't have all the work done. Sadly, I am looking foward to having nothing more presssing to do all summer than cleaning my ceiling fan blades, which I am scared to turn on for fear of being attacked by the dust on them.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hello Nervous Break Down!

Its been a while since I seen you. Well, no time for a break down today, maybe I can just pop a Xanxa ( is that how its spelled?) and keep moving....

What a month and I am only 7 days in. Its crazy! Finals is almost here and since we missed so much school due to weather early in the semester all my instructors (except for my wonderful business teacher) is cramming half a semester in a week and half. Fun!

Anyway, Thing 1 had a horrible bike wreak on the gravel driveway at her grandma's. This involoved lots of blood, missing skin, and a slight head wound. She has a helmet and knee and elbow pads. But of course " We survived no seat belts in cars, kids don't need all that crap to ride a bike!" Thanks G-mom! I can see since my kid is bleeding from the head and has no skin left on her leg. These things are a waste of money...
*sigh* She is fine but a total drama queen and the second she gets bored (since I banned her from the bike till all wounds are healed and gone) then she is dying and her leg is going to fall off and maybe her neck is broken and a mom who loved her would take her to the hospital for a full body CT scan. No more Discovery Health for her.

Hub's Birthday is today! Happy Birthday HUBS!!! LOVE YOU!!
I ordered trashy lingerie for him ( for me to wear not him- hahah) but it is not here yet. Guess he is getting me in pearls and 5 inch heels. *shrug* It will have to do... If he is lucky he will get a cake too. I would get him a real gift, but he is spoiled and owns everything he wants that is under 20k.

Well, thats all for now. Hang in there. I swear one day I will return with something mind stimulating to read.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

How to Make Any Man Happy.

( yes, I know I am supposed to be studying or something but I have to post this)

I have a "friend" who calls me often for the sole purpose of bitching about her ungrateful husband. He doesn't help her enough with anything. Not the kids, the house, what she wants to do. Her house isn't good enough, even though they just bought a new one and its ten times bigger than mine, with new furniture etc. etc.
All he does is gripe when she goes shopping etc. etc. etc...

Ladies, I am going to let you in on a secret.

Men are easy. Really easy creatures that are easy to please. They know it (so no hate mail from the men - you know the truth, you just don't like me sharing it) and it is time you knew it too.

If you want a man who will never stray, put you on pedestal, give you everything you want (within reason , but if not he would bust his ass and break his neck trying)and be the most loving and attentive man on earth, you have to learn what makes a man's world go round.

There is only three things a husband wants from his wife. All men want these three things. And you can give them to him. No matter what size, shape, etc etc you are. Men only want THREE things.

I was lucky enough to learn this at an early age.

As for my friend, she knows the secret but does not use it. Why? I dunno. She is dumb. Because any wife can do it, it doesn't involve sex and it works.

Okay here it is. Old fashioned? Maybe. But it works. So stop being stupid and use it!

Men want:

1. To be needed. Make him feel needed and like you could not go on breathing without his very presence. You have to make him feel like he is the most important thing in the world and nothing as good as him as been made since he entered the world.

2. To be taken care of. I said taken care of not mothered! There is a difference. Fold his shirts the way he likes, don't bitch at him for leaving it on the floor. Cook his favorite meal once in a while. Act like you care if he is happy ( which comes across much better if you actually do care.) If when he does something stupid, don't berate him. Talk to him like you would another adult you have a problem with and then let it go. Support his decisions and let him make his own mistakes ( like when he brings home a go-cart with asking you what you think and you KNOW he is going to break his leg or something ) Smile and tell him if that makes him happy... whatever. Then when he breaks his leg, bite your tongue and bring him a class a water to take his pain pills with.

And this goes for his house and kids too. Really important if your a SAHM. I know how hard it is to be one. I am one. This doesn't mean you can run around in your PJ's and "are much too busy with these kids clean". Don't BS me. This was my excuse for years. Give your kids a rag and squirt bottle of water. They can help. Most actually ENJOY it.

He is not expecting Martha Stewart clean. He just wants to be able to walk through the rooms and not catch a disease or stick to something.

3. Attention. This really wraps up the other two. Get off your ass and clean the house. I am not saying he gets to be a slob and leave his dishes all over the place and expect you to take care of them. Your not a slave or a maid. I mean, mop the floor and do the laundry. Expect him to clean up after himself like any other adult but don't ride his ass about how he never cleans the windows or vacuums the floor if you not doing it either.

Rub his back and tell him how great he is. Give him sex and don't make him beg. He isn't a dog, he's your husband. Get something nice to wear to bed and take care of yourself. No one wants to snuggle up to someone with hairy legs and ugly underwear or flannel pants. Jogging pants are a no no too!

My Granny used to say " If you want to keep a man interested, you have to keep him on his toes."

What that means is, take care of yourself. When you feel good, your automatically more desirable to everyone. Your man is going to pay attention to you if you seem more desirable to others. You don't have to flirt or cheat (this is really a deal breaker on the 3 secrets. They won't work at all if you do this) or really anything but take care of yourself physically and mentally. Other people like happy people.

And do not write me about your husband never pays you any attention, so why should you. He will be paying a LOT more attention if you just try this for a week or two.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Things are getting spotty...

I think May could be the busiest month me for me out of all the months of the year. Our family literally has 12 birthdays and 4 anniversaries. And they ain't through having kids or getting hitched yet...

Plus its Mothers Day (not that its a huge deal in my house *pout*), Memorial Day, the kids are out of school, science fair, Finals week for me, etc. etc. etc. Now Hubs work is demanding over time for May. Lots of it. So I am single again for the month of May. Both my girls b-days are in May too. Geez you would think we could keep our legs together in August...

Anyway. Postings are going to get spotty for the next few weeks. To my one fan. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! I will be back eventually. I will miss you all. I want to be here. Really. I PREFER to be here.

Sigh. I am supposed to take summer classes too. I don't wanna. Wish me luck or lottery winnings or something.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

And WE HAVE A WINNER!

After counting and recounting to make sure I got everyone. I made ask my 8 year old to help me with numbering each post (and the post were people got a second entry) and then I had her draw a number!

Crazy Daisy is the Winner!! Hopefully she can find some great clothes for her upcoming Graduation!

Just email me with your address Crazy Daisy and I will get your card to you!

Un-Domesticmama@hotmail.com

Friday, April 25, 2008

Tag! I'm it!

SCATTERGORIES...It's harder than it looks! Erase my answers, enter yours, send it on to 10 people including the one that sent this to you.

Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things..nothing made up!

Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.




WHAT IS YOUR Name
Jennifer

4 LETTER WORD
Junk (That is in my trunk)

VEHICLE
Jaguar ( Yeah, baby Yeah!)

TV SHOW
Justice League ( its a cartoon ya know..)

CITY
Joplin, Missouri (that's all I could think of.)

BOY NAME
Jacob -too easy

GIRL NAME
Jessica ( my alter ego)

OCCUPATION
Judo Master ( Sounded more fun that Janitor)

SOMETHING YOU WEAR
Jeans!

FOOD
Juicy Fruit ( gum is too food, ask all the anorexic celebs.)

SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM
Janitor ( except in mine)

REASON FOR BEING LATE
Jogging ( as in I am in late because jogging is something I don't do!)

SOMETHING YOU SHOUT
Just quit calling me you %$%*&(&* ( as told to telemarketer the third time I talked to him yesterday)

I am going to tag someone ... but I am going to dig through the bloggy giveaway post and pick some newbies. So you have to wait.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Is this withdrawl or am I crazy?

I am actually doing quite well without the Dr.Pepper. Okay, so I am weak. I had 12oz today. But that is better than the 2 liters I would have normally consumed. Don't judge me. You couldn't break this early.

We had a nature thing for Girl Scouts, so the girls can earn their nature badge thing. (Yeah, I am real attentive at these things) So I am walking around with a group of 18 girls and their mothers ( who all happen to look like those amazing moms that have their whole life together in a neat little package, and they get to shower every day.) So of course I am feeling like queen of the group with my spilled tea on shirt, headache from hell, and hair all tangled up in knotty/bun thingy on top of my head. I do make a pretty picture.

I am not an outdoors kinda girl. I don't like "critters" of any kind. If they sting and buzz around, I am gone. I don't like spiders, snakes, or even ladybugs. I can handle most butterflies as long as they don't land on me and are pretty. I was in my element. We are all walking around looking for nature things with my head about to explode and I start feeling like things are crawling on me.

These nasty little prickles of withdrawl are climbing up my arms and legs. Its been a long time since I had experienced caffiene withdrawl, but if I am having headaches and prickles the first day, then the next 20 are going to be fabulous!

I felt like I was going nuts. I can't imagine having real withdrawls like from crack or something. I am such a wimp. Or possibly crazy.

Then I realize that I am not a wimp or crazy. There are these weird little bugs falling out of the tree I am standing under CRAWLING ON ME!

Game over. I am out. I went inside and debugged myself and then sit on the nice pretty deck and observed in the saftey nice warm sunshine.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Goodbye Dr.Pepper... You will be missed.

I am in a funk today. I am not really tired, but I have no energy to speak of at all. I have days like these all to frequently. I know, in the back of brain (where the logical sane part hangs out), that my diet and lifestyle is the cause. Way to much junk, stress,etc.

Sooooooo.

It is time to grow up, put on my big girl panties and start taking better care of myself. I am tired of being 40lbs 20lbs overweight.

Its the Dr.Pepper. I am embarrassed to admit that I consume probably close to 2 liters of this a day. Yes, 2 liters. A day. That wasn't a typo.

21 days to break a habit. I am swearing off soda for the next 21 days. I am going to drink tea or coffee to knock back the caffiene headache that is sure to come, but for the next 21 days I am saying NO to soda.

and I am making an appointment to check out Chantix. Yes, I smoke to. I have tried quitting many times, with many different gums and patches. Guess I didn't want it bad enough. Not even a cancer scare could make me stop. This time I am ready and I am all for any drug that will numb my nicotine recepters.

Hopefully, no bodies will need to be disposed of during the next 21 days.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm still here.. somewhere

Just dropping a note to let my faithful readers know that I am still here. I usually post constantly once a day or so, but with homework and the big-test-that-makes-or-breaks-my-career in two weeks, I have been studying like crazy!

I am however having a lot of fun visiting everyone's blogs durning the bloggy carnival. Scroll down for my post and a chance to win a Target GC! I can not believe I have had over 200 people post already! That is sooooo coool. Even if most of my visiters are coming for the gift card. Hopefully I can make some new bloggy friends durning this carnival.

Be watching for my linky love post this weekend, I am going to list my favorite new blogs. I have a feeling there is going to be tons of them!

OH, and Hubs has been super busy around the house. I have a beautiful new kitchen and bathroom floor and a super cute new gate for the front of the house. Pictures will come when I get the flowers planted and the rest of the landscaping (that means picking up trash hehehe) around the house.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

C'mon on in, My House is Always a Mess...

Ever notice that know seems to visit when the house is clean? I try to keep my company ready, but some weeks, months days it goes a little out of control. That is when someone new visits.

Obviously, it does not matter to Hubs that his friends see the day old dishes in the sink and the shredded paper the dog attacked. Or the pile of dirty clothes my little exhibitishonist (Thing2) dropped all over the house at random. Or the peanut butter sandwich that the dog also attacked when I wasn't looking. Farking dogs...

Long ago I would often make excuses " Oh, we have been sick" " Please excuse the mess, a random tornado fell out of the sky 10 minutes before you got here and we are so lucky to have all four walls and the roof still left. I think it entered and exited through the window and was only 7 foot high... thank goodness it got none of the other neighbors." Or my personal favorite, " A mask man just came and trashed the place, but didn't take anything." ( this is cause we have nothing of real value that the kids or dogs have not distroyed. hehe)

Now, not so much. I have no excuses. I will just tell them " I have two kids, two dogs, Hubs, School, carpooling, Girl Scouts, Grandparents to take care of. I am tired and busy and lazy. You might have to clean off a place to sit, but your unlikey to catch an illness. If your shoe sticks to the floor, let me know and I will windex you loose."

Yesterday I let the house and homework and everything else ( except the have to's like dinner and peeing) go. I needed a break, I was exhausted and pms-ing and I just didn't care. Besides we hardly have anyone vist except my mom and I learned my housekeeping skills from her. She doesn't judge. This morning, Hubs friend shows up. I don't care though, cause I don't like him anyway.

Friday, April 18, 2008

WIN A $25 TARGET GIFT CARD!



Bloggy Giveaways Quarterly Carnival Button




I have been looking forward to this! The big Bloggy giveaway is starting. A full week of bloggers giving and winning! My kinda party!

And I am giving away one (1) $25 Target Gift Card!

All you need to do is leave a comment in this post and the winner will be drawn on Saturday at 3:00 p.m. cst, at random, by Moi!


Tell a friend, have them mention it in their post and you are BOTH entered twice!


Want to win more stuff? Head over to the Bloggy Giveaway (click the pink button at the top of this post.) Find some great new blogs, make some great new friends, and win some great prizes!




Don't forget to leave a comment for a chance to win before heading over to check out the other giveaways!

I Hate it when Hubs is Right!

I haven't really talked all that much (or any) about Religion. Its a topic I tend to shy away from since: a) I am a baptist that slides around on the slippery slope of backsliding on a consistant basis. b.)I have yet to find a church I can really connect to. c.) I haven't looked all that hard to find said church.

Now, that is not to say I don't have a relationship with GOD. We both know where I stand and I talk to HIM, and HIM to me, on a regular basis. Well... mostly regular. When I can shut up and listen it tends to go a little smoother.

Hubs, doesn't seem to have near the problems I do. He is pretty stable on his slope and goes to the church that the rest of his family goes to, on a semi-regular basis. Our girls go to Sunday School every week, and attend Youth-night every week. Yes, our church life is a mess...

ANYWAY, on to were Hubs was right and I am irrated.

So like I posted yesterday, I am BURIED under the piles that are my life. Usually I can hold on pretty well, but occasionaly they all attack me at once. This week they formed a union and revolted against me.

Last night I did what every Super-Mom-Who-Can-Do-It-All,-All-The-Time, does when she is feeling overwhelmed. I started whining and feeling sorry for myself looking for immediate soulutions. So as I am whining prioritzing all the things that needed done two days ago, and how we are going to pay for the new lawn mower we have to buy, finishing the house, paying for summer session college classes, Oh' and Thing 1 is going to need glasses, and Thing 2 just out grew her pants, AGAIN! And , crap, I have gotten to fat for my summer clothes, AGAIN..........

Hubs is sitting there looking at me like I am a moron.

I stare back, looking at him like "what are you going to do to fix this and my head?"

Hubs: " Why are you worrying about this stuff?"

Me, thinking, for someone so cute, you sure are dense sometimes,: " Well, what are we going to do, the savings is running dry, and you can't spend all your time working overtime, and I HAVE to take these classes to get in to this inclusive program NOW, or wait another YEAR, by then the kids will be grown and we won't need an extra bedroom, and we are going to be eating out of dumpsters and living in a cardboard box anyway......"

Hubs: " Leave it in GOD'S hands."

Me:" ........."

That's right, I had nothing to say. He is right. I have noticed that as times start getting rough, even if its only in my head, I tend to run from the One that is in control. I have never wanted for anything. Seriously, I have never ever been without the things I need or the things I want. GOD has always provided everything. Before Hubs was making good money and we both were working two jobs with newborn baby at home living in trailer house that was falling down around us, and we didn't know how we were going to pay the electric bill, GOD made sure we had everything we needed and everything we wanted.

The house stayed together, the money was always found before the electric was turned off.

I wanted to share, because I think sometimes I forget that I am not in charge, and I can't control the world. Its not my place, and worrying does not change anything. I read a book once, I think by Max Lucado (but don't qoute me on that)
and I don't actually remember anything about the book, or even the name. All I remember is somewhere in that book, there is a line that says:

" Leave your baggage at the foot of the Cross. "

So, that's what I am doing.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

As soon as I find myself, I am sure I will be back...

Currently I am buried under a pile of Homework, Housework, and Kids. As soon as I dig myself out, I'll be back to being a smart ass and talking about my rotten family and neighbors. Promise.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Remodeling, Frugality and My Shrinking Bank Account

How come the only thing that seems to ever get smaller around here is my bank account? The mess, my butt, the suprising amount of junk in my mail box each day. Huge. My checking account, not so much.

I used to never worry about money, and I mean NEVER. Drove Hubs nuts. Now I can't sleep at night and get sick to my stomach just thinking about how we are going to pay for this or that. Its not like we are destiute or anything, I guess I am just afraid we are going to be.

Like the saying goes

" to whom much is given, much is expected" or " Mo Money, Mo Problems." (yeah thats how it goes...)


Everything is just so much more expensive now. Gas, Milk, Shampoo. I don't know about clothing, since its be FOREVER since I have bought any. Since I have been going to school I don't have the time or energy to shop. Plus I am convinced I don't have the money either. We will need that $5 for something else, so I'll wear undies without elastic. Makes it easier to use the bathroom. I don't have to pull them down.

Plus we are in the process of remodeling. The kitchen and dining room flooring is almost in. Hubs has done ALL the work on laying the tile and such and it is PRETTY. Terra Cotta tiles, expensive, and a pain in the arse. But Oh-So-Pretty!

I didn't actually KNOW we were replacing the flooring but Hubs and I went on a date saturday night and landed at Home Depot. Romantic, no. But He's married to a woman that would wonder around Home Depot for freaking HOURS if he would let me. Always best if I leave the check book at home. We were actually supposed to be pricing building supplies for the new bedroom we are adding on to our house.

I ended up drooling over tile. He ended laying tile all yesterday. With any home improvements my house is now in such a disarray, I am fear I can't even find my good underwear. The ones with the elastic still attached to one side.

Its Menu Plan Monday!



Monday: Sweet and Sour Chicken Stir Fry ( typing it made me hungry)
Tuesday: Pork Chops, Baked potatos w/all the toppings, salad
Wensday: Pot Roast w/veggies
Thursday: Taco's with all the toppings
Friday: Catfish w/ Fries and Slaw
Saturday: Fend for yourself, Mama ain't your slave-day
Sunday: Colton's Steak House - out to dinner

Friday, April 11, 2008

TGIF! Now can I go back to bed?

There are certain privileges to having all your children in school. It means they are out of the house most of the day, and some poor unsuspecting soul that works for the public school system has to put up with their nagging and insistent whining all day.

I can sleep! All day. If I choose. Today that is exactly what I would do if I hadn't agreed to watch my a scooter. Scooter is 4, my nephew and being raised half the time, by my mom.

I REALLY wanted to say " Oh. No. Hell NO! Don't dump that brat on me, I don't care if his babysitter has a doctors appointment for a bum knee. Not my problem. I didn't squeeze this one out. Can't make me." and slam the phone down.

But, I figure since my mom has babysat for me, at the drop of a hat, when ever I need for the last 9 years, I probably should stay on her good side. Probably.

5:30 a.m. comes early to this mama. I mean, its not like I stayed up til 1am watching t.v. or anything. So, when I seen her come through my front door carrying demand child that likes to scream for no apparent reason and make me deaf my little lovable nephew, all I could do was roll out of bed and choke down my whining. I am sure the whistling Hubs was doing before he left for work was not because he felt vindicated for my suffering.I chose to ignore him and had to sit on my hands not to leap after him and beg for him not to leave me here alone all day with these children.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

WFMW - Using a Teachers planner for projects.



Sounds simple. But it was an absolute life saver for me as I have ADD.*

I ran across this idea in a book (and as soon as I remember which book I am going to give credit where credit is due- plus it is a fantastic book for anyone who is a student, kids and college age, that needs help with organizing)and it has helped SO many times.

I have a fancy planner from Mom Agendathat I LOVE and use daily, BUT I needed a something just for my college work and projects in school. All of the pre-made assignment books seem to be lacking greatly. I just couldn't seem to keep my life all "together".

The book suggested a teachers curriculum planner. They come with Blocks for different subjects and they are not dated. Just blocks in 2-page per week form. Then you can use each block for a separate assignment and list the days of the week at the top. That way if you have a project due on Friday, it can be broken down through out the week in to easier steps, AND you can also see what needs to be done in all your other classes/areas on the same page. It's also easier if you write the different subjects in their own color of ink.



*I didn't want to admit it, but I have adult ADD. Yes, I had it as a child, but was not officially diagnosed until I went to a counselor because I thought I was losing it, not being able to keep up like other adults and moms could. I had trouble with everything, remembering to pay the bills, remembering to bathe my kids etc. etc. I thought I was just immature and lazy. Things just slipped by me that other moms "got." Anyway, I know some people don't beleve in ADD and its conterversal, but behavior modification worked great for me and whether its real/not real or I am just crazy/lazy or looking for mind altering drugs is not open for discussion. Thankyouverymuch!

Hubs is always helpful, always thinking...

I am piled with homework. I think all my instructors are sadistic people with no life that have no kids and like to make my life miserable. I mean really, how important is it for a Med student to understand the inner workings of the human body? Oh.. it is important... huh.

So last night, as I am trying to finish assignments from one of my zibillion (that's a whole lot more than infinity) classes my brats wonderful well behaved children, are screaming and running circles through the house. Of course, that's only when they are not leaning over my shoulder screaming in to my ear 5 billion questions (that's a tad less than zibillion) that are probably so stupid they don't deserve an awns er. Like, if they could use the computer desk chair as a carnival ride and take it outside. Object of the game is to twirl your sister in said chair until you whirled them right off the porch. First one sporting a head wound loses!

My wonderful lazy Hubs is watching some stupid hunting show in the bedroom. He was smart enough to know when it is time to hide from them and he has learned the fine art of blocking out the screams. I really plan on learning to do this also, as soon as I get time to ask him how its done.

Finally, after I lost it and yelled for Thing 2 to get off Thing 1 and quit trying to steam roll her sister with the barbie car, Hubs decides to offer assistance. From the bedroom I hear this:

Hubs: What is going on in there? You two better behave! Un-domestic mama, Do I need to come in there and run intercourse?

Me: What? (my brain is trying to wrap around that)

Hubs busting out laughing: " I meant INTERFERENCE!"

Gee, wonder what he is thinking about while watching hunting shows.
Guns. Sex. Beer. Hunting. Why no Hubs, your not a redneck... why would I think that?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Pating Myself on the Back.

I, Un-domestic Mama, went one full day with out sugar or anything made with white flour.

Applaud me, for I am the best. Ever!

Now, lets see if I can do that today when I am at school and surrounded by fast food.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Linky Love Long Overdue!

I am spreading Linky Love.

One of my FAVORITE blogs that I read everyday is NoReasonNeeded. She always has the cutest pictures and funny stories. I literally refresh a million times a day waiting for just. one. more. post.

Check her sidebar for recipies and if you get a chance to try a new recipie, you have to try the Cheesy Chicken Broccoli Casserole It is Yummy!

I've Been Memed!

I got Memed by one of my all time favorite blogs Wifey's House. Fantastic blog for anyone married or in a relationship. She wrote a book too! Check it out. I am sure it will become one of your favorite reads too.
She is also getting a new look from TrendyMommyBlogDesigns and yours truly for winning the blog design giveway I hosted a few weeks ago. Be on the look out for that! TrendyMommy designs are the BOMB!

Now on to the Meme:

5 Classes I wish they would have taught in school...

1. Sleeping abuse- How to survive on no sleep and get through the co-sleeping years with as few brusies and bulging disc as possible.

2. Stylish Mama- How to look good on a Goodwill budget.

3. Body Enjoyment before kids- Enjoying your body and sex before the kids (concentration in understanding how your pre-baby body is not fat and that sex that takes longer than 5 minutes without kids is a blessing and should happen daily.)

4. Quicky with kids 101- How to have a quicky when the kids are knocking on the door and why foreplay is not necessary when its been a week.

5. Broke with kids- Making it through the lean years, and why you should save money BEFORE getting the positive pregnancy test.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Curly hair be gone!

I have nothing interesting to post on today. I checked other blogs for interesting stuff, but no one else seems to be posting today either.

I straightened the carrot top hair. I just couldn't stand the curls. Hubs hasn't seen it yet. I am going to have to come up with "creative" bargaining for wasting the money on the perm in the first place, since I only kept it two weeks. It was horrible though. Even if Hubs, being a man, doesn't understand this. Oh well.

I played guine pig with myself. If anyone needs directions on straightening permed hair with an At-Home-Perm-Kit. I know how! It worked quite well, but its not dry yet, so I can't report on the damage.

My motivation has waned today to an all time low. I could seriously clean the house with dishes and laundry done, in under an hour. But I don't wanna. Blah. I need a maid. or a nap. or something.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Big Butts, Clean houses, and Feng Shui

Okay, I will admit I am an addict. I consume entirely to much sugar, soda, and carbs. Of the bad variety. And I am addicted to diets. Fad diets, proven diets, stupid diets. You name it, I have tried it and purchased the products.

I have noticed a reacurring theme in these books. I have also seen the same thing in countless magazine articles.

If you want a diet to be successful, if you want to take control of your weight, you have to clean the house.

Huh.

Is it because a clean house makes you feel so gosh darn good (until the kids destroy it) or is because if your constantly cleaning you cant put anything in your mouth? (Bleach and Cheetos don't mix well together.)

What if your house is only clean while the kids are school. Does that mean your only thin and healthy between the hours of 8am and 3pm. And if you have some super human ability to keep your house clean while the kids are at home, does that mean they are going to be thin too?

I am finding a hard time buying in to this, as I have had both. At any given time my butt may or may not be big and my house may or may not be clean.

Maybe my flucuating house neatness has a direct effect on my flucuating butt size.

How come Hubs butt doesnt get bigger when there is dirty laundry ankle deep on his side of the bed.

And that leads me to Feng shui. How can I possibly clean out the south corner of my house and place a running water fountain that catches the light from the northwest corner, to cast perfect rainbows over the eastern door ways, if I the south corner is my childs closet and I would have to build on a door and a window, then mount a large mirror on the outside of my house to catch the light to cast the perfect rainbows, (deep breath) just to improve my wealth.

Wouldn't investing be easier?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

What does Bear underwear, Carefree panty liners, and Yorkie dogs have in common?

Guess? Anyone?


My beautiful dumb new Yorkie dog is in heat. I have had her just about a month and she is already blessing me with her menstrual problems. Hubs thinks its good practice for when Thing 1 & 2 grow up and bless me with these problems. He also thinks it hysterically funny that I am fighting a dog in to a doggie diaper, that she can wiggle out of like hudini no matter how snuggly its on.

" I should just give up and lock her in her crate." Three weeks? In a crate?

AMATURE!

He has no idea the kind of creativity this warped mind can dream up. I now have a Yorkie in a Build-A-Bear pair of undies that came complete with tail hole, and a carefree panty liner. She can't wiggle out of it, and the mess is taken care of with out having to banish her to doggie hell in the crate.

Yes, I am that good. Thank You, Thank You. Please no applause.

My "Holy Grail" acne Cure.





I have had acne since I was 11 years old. I am talking real nasty acne. The kind complete with every color of "head" you can think of. Some are small, some are large, and some mimic a third eye. They all left scars.

Now I have seriously tried EVERY OTC and EVERY prescription since I was 11. I even did a round of Accutane, which is a seriously bad drug for the rest of your body, but worked quite nicely. As long as I was taking it. Eventually, I had to stop for fear of liver damage. Nasty side effects this one has.

Then I tried Mineral Makeup. I was skeptical, even though reviews for fantastic for the Bare Essentals brand. First I bought Sheer Cover from an infomercial. That did nothing for my acne, and didn't look anywhere near natural. Then I tried Raw Minerals. Nothing. Finally, I broke down and spent the $60 for a get started kit from bare Essentals.

Enter the Holy Grail! Looks natural, super easy to apply, and I went from acne that would rival a 14 year old to literally FLAWLESS skin.

I swear! Within a week, I went from at least 20 inflammed pimples and even more blackheads to SMOOTH CLEAR skin.

I don't care how much this cost I will NEVER go back. It worked right through "that time of the month". Not a zit to be found in over a month since I started using it.

Just try it.

(I am not getting any kick-backs or moolah to endorse this stuff. Its just that fantastic. I have never run across a cosmetic that will change your life before.)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Important choices we all have to make- Mommy Rant!


I like to think I am an open minded parent, who knows that her children do have flaws and that not everything can be sunshiny perfect all the time.

Honestly, things are not never sunshiny perfect and my kids can be...well.. brats. Most of the time.

And I like to think that I, best mom in the world, am raising wonderful little human beings that will one day grow up to change the world. Yes, everything is rosey, sunshiny, perfect.

Then some "teacher" (I say that loosley), has the audasicty (didn't know I knew that word did ya!) to tell my my almost six year old child is not as mature as her classmates.

My first thought is " Oh' no she dit in'!" Thus, Ghetto mommy returns.

What is exactly should I do to make her like most of the rest of her peers? So I thought about it and the only maturaity lessons I could come up with, that the other kids have had, that my child has not is:

1. I have yet to be placed in handcuffs in front of my children for doing physical harm to others or on drug charges.
2. I haven't let my children watch movies with anything more than a PG rating. (Not because I am sheilding them, just because I don't want my kid asking me what c*nt means.
3. My child can not tell the difference between Crack and Meth. We don't have those things on the coffee table for them not to touch, and mommy doesn't cook it in the kitchen.
4.Mommy doesn't bring home a new "friend" every night. My kids have "yet" to catch me in the act. I am sure the day will come, but for now I am not going to put on a show on the dining room table for sake of maturity.
5.My child as never been to court, cause mommy needed more money from daddy, or because one of their parents was being sentenced.
6.My children have both their parents, everyday, making sure their homework is being done and that they are clean and fed.

So, with those options I can either get arrested for prostution, or drugs. Stab their daddy. Let them watch a porn movie (and it will be one from the 70's were the women are super hairy and the men are ape like. Like Ron Jeremy.)or I can step out on daddy, smoke pot with them, and have them "keep my secrets."

Oh the Choices! How, do we as parents, survive? The things we must do for our children...

I think my kids can just stay immature.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Menu Plan Monday!



I admitt it. I am a slacker when it comes to cooking. I don't like the prep work or the clean-up. So here is my slacker menu:

Monday: Chicken Parmigiana

Tuesday: Fajitas

Wensday:Beef Teriyaki

Thursday: Stir-Fry Spinach Salad

Friday: Quick and Easy Chicken Noodle Soup

Saturday:


Sunday:

What if its all a lie?

I have spent much money and time working for a degree so I can get a job, find my calling, make oddles of money and be RICH RICH I TELL YOU and enjoy life a little more. We have all made a lot of sacrifices. The house hasn't had a good deep cleaning in a year. I constantly feel like I am swimming upstream with a big barge in front of me. I am pretty sure all this is worth it.

Sorta sure.

And then I see this article from an interview with Meg Wolitzer on a new book she has written about SAHM's

Excerpt:

“The notion that everyone has a calling, that everyone has a talent, that everyone has a passion, isn’t true,” said Ms. Wolitzer, whose graying curly hair and laugh lines betray her age, but whose baggy leather jacket and battered brown leather satchel recall her years as a writing student. “I didn’t understand that.”



See the problem? NOT EVERYONE HAS A CALLING, TALENT or PASSION.

I have been searching my whole life for that one thing, that one passion, that something that I can say I could spend the rest of my life doing and never earn a dime for it, and be remembered for.
And raising children don't count cause they will eventually end up in therapy and move away, so I can't spend the rest of my life raising them. Besides I don't want to be still doing their laundry when they are 40 years old and I don't have a basement to for them to live in.
I am sure that many women do feel like raising their children is their calling. And I support that with every thing I have, but I can't call it mine because it is to scary to think about where I will be when they no longer need me. I don't want to be old and waiting for them to call me so feel needed.

I have changed my major so many times that, had so many different hobbies I have walked away from, and never felt an undying passion for any of them.

And honestly (Hubs, if you read this don't kill me) I am still not 100% positive that the major I have choosen now is what I want.

Problem is that the things I have passion for change everyday, sometimes every hour. I want to be a SAHM-Domestic-Diva-Supermommy. Until I am being one. Then I want nothing more than to get away from the monsters I call children.
When I am in school full time I just want my house clean. I mean clean like House Beautiful clean.

I seem to have a lot of quit in me. When things get hard, I hit the road. When things go bad, see ya! When chaos hits, well, I already walked away. I don't seem capable of the juggling act that other women have. It seems I can only have one ball in the air at a time.

Now, I am jaded enough to belive that I can't have it all at the same time. I still have to ask " Why the hell not?"

So, dear mothers, daughters, college students, wives, etc,etc, How do you do it?

And if you wanna read the article go here : Crazy interview that got in my head

Just like Mommy


So Thing 2 is not having a good day. The mean witch loving mommy is bent on having her pick up her toys. After the drama subsided and the fit throwing was over and the toys picked up, Thing 2 felt the need to elborate on her situation:

Thing 2: I need a nap cause I didn't get good sleep last night.
Me: I think thats a great idea....
Thing 2: Yea, cause look I got bags just like yours.

Maybe I didn't get good sleep either last night.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

So Stylish I should Be a Model and Linky Love

Why is it that no one drives by my house until I sneak out to check my mail wearing no bra under my dress shirt, yoga pants, and socks with flip flops? I try not to make a habit of wearing socks with my flip flops.Don't be jealous you can't pull off the hoofed look as well as me. To top it off (pun not intended)I lost all rational thought about a week ago and got a perm. Now I look like carrot top


minus the red before I gel it all up.
(you know you want the Carrot!)

Now since I had oodles of homework nothing better to do I found lots of new (to me) blogs to share with you all. Even though I am sure I will lose the three readers that I have to them...

Not Quite What I had Planned
Serenity How
Mrs. Fussy Pants


Enjoy!

I flash my Goodies, what do you do to pass the time?

I hate funerals. I am sure that most people do, but I hate them not only for the obvious reasons. I have other reasons to hate funerals.

The Hubs aunt died. The funeral is today. and as all funerals go I have a chance to embarrass myself.

I only wear pants to funerals because the last time I wore a skirt, I went to sit down and ended up flashing my whoo haa at all of my Hubs uncles. Luckily it was a Britney before she went off the deep end. I had undies on and had not yet perfected my British accent.
I only had one offer to sell the panties on Ebay. Luckily it came from my favorite of Hubs uncles and he was laughing hysterically when he ask, so I allowed him to keep his gonads.

I am also the one that giggles uncontrollable at inappropriate time. This doesn't usually go over well with others.

I have space issues. I married in to a family that hugs. A lot. For EVERYTHING. There is only a few people I am comfortable hugging. But today hugs are going to be coming at me from every direction. Its like being attacked by a group of Carebears or barneys.

I also have issues with funeral music. Specifically the one song that seems to be played at every funeral in the South. " Go rest high on the Mountain." It gives me the willys first of all. If I hear it in the car I change the channel pronto, because it reminds me of every funeral I have attended since age 9 and makes me feel as if the Grim Reaper is hanging out in the seat waiting for my brakes to fail. I have told Hubs if he allows someone to play this at my funeral I will haunt him and make his life hell.

It looks like rain today. Perfect day to have a funeral. Now I just have to go find super strength waterproof mascara, super strength control tops and something to wear that wont malfunction. If I do end up giggling at the wrong moment, I am going to shout"Bloody Hell"in the best British accent I can muster.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Proof I am the greatest wife on earth!

Thankyouverymuch!

Ever notice how old kinda sneaks up on you when your not looking? One minute I was a hot young thing with nice parts in all the right places, then I woke up with two kids and gravity hanging on everyone of my good bits.

After walking up the huge ass hill, some moron "core of engineer" built a college on top of and stuck the parking lot at the bottom of, I was pretty sure my knee was turning inside out. Or tying to pull away from my leg so it didn't have to go up or down the damn hill. EVER. AGAIN.

Then, I take my arthritic knee home and now my kidney is either getting even for the steady diet of Excedrin and Dr.Pepper (my first love) I consume or my left ovary is in its last dying throws of making my life suck.

The Hubs arrived home long after I had made dinner (ordered pizza) did the dishes (in the sink "soaking") and bathed the kids (let them play in the hose).

He came through the door sick as a dog with a migraine. He promptly ask for a backscratching, took some Advil and passed out across the bed.

See the problem here? He is passed out ACROSS the bed. MY bed. On MY side.

Seeing how he is sick and all I did what every loving wife would do.

I firmly planted my ass on his shoulder and my feet on his back.
And while he is struggling to breath a little, my booty and feet are nice and toasty.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Men and kids... they alright I guess.




Kids are um.. alright.I know these things. I have two of them and any Mama that is the sole provider for their kids knows this too.

I sit near some people in my lovely Biology class that have none. The are still dumb. They do not realize that children can be highly over-rated.
We watched a very interesting movie in Biology today.The very incredibly stupid educational reproductive video.

Now, I realize that it has some educational information about cellular meiosis and the like, but really, anyone over the age of 12 already knows how the baby gets out. Not sure why they felt the need to include a very pregnant woman with a very obvious epidural,joyfully giving birth.It was also made in the 70's and the woman had yet to claim her feminism and take a razor to that forest.

I didn't want to watch my children make their F$#king painful wondrous way in to the world. I believe I threatened anyone that got a mirror or camera close my goodies. I certainly did not want to watch Sasquatch deliver hers. To make matters worse, the b^*ch got a epidural and made it all look as if small cantaloupes regularly flew out of her orifices. Or heck, it was the 70's ,maybe they did.

However, it was fun to watch the 18-21 year old boys turn green. That made it all worth it.


Now, here are some educational things I learned today:

Men cannot even make sperm cells with out the help from other cells, called Nanny cells, to take care of them. Proof that men can not even make their own sperm with out something taking care of them.

Getting the sperm to the egg is not possible without the woman, and not for the obvious reasons smart ass, because the sperm are slow and wont ask for directions! So we females have to go out of our way to produce a special sauce a special enzyme that the sperm can swim through to find the egg. Further proof the human race would die without us.

If we could just figure out a way to make our own sperm, we could be asexual. Then we would also have to find a way to kill our own spiders (eww!) and open jars (and risk my manicure?!)and never get a to see hot, sweaty muscles.

Hubs sure is lucky I married him for his ...um....Brain.


BTW, I now know EXACTLY how sperm is made. I am not so eager to have it near me now...


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Kids say the darnest things.

Here is a funny for you my friend emailed to me.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!


I am always searching for the perfect day planner. I finally found one at Mom Agenda. It has a place for the kids, appointments and dinner time. Plus room for my homework schedule. All for one week all on one page. This woman has to be a member of the smart mommy society for inventing this! Go to Momagenda.com to check them out. ( no I did not get compensated in any way for this post. Unless someone would like to, then I will take it.)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

12 Weeks to Summer and I am screwed!




Random thought for the day:

You never know how short your arms are until the last roll of toilet paper has somehow made it behind the toilet.


I am exactly 32lbs heavier this year than I was last year at this time. I know this because I found a notebook that was using to track weight loss. Then I weighed myself. I know now why I never liked the scales.

I have struggled most of my adult life with my weight. I am pretty sure I have tried every diet and "plan" that money can buy.

I would try crack, but its expensive and Hub gets pissy at the thought of having a junky for a wife. I know, he is to picky. Besides, my kids are already embarrassed to be seen with me. Imagine if they had to introduce me to their friends " Hi, This is my mom. Isn't she skinny. Please ignore her tweaker sores and odd twitch that she developed. " (my apologies to any real drug users for how badly I probably messed that up. I have no idea if people get sores from crack or twitch. My knowledge comes from the weird stinky guy hanging out at the store that is obviously on something. Or maybe his mother fed him paint chips. Either way?)

I suffer from insomnia. A lot. And a fat, tired, nearing middle age woman should not be allowed to watch infomercials.

I was just sitting on the couch, eating Doritos, having a pity party about being fat and watching infomercials.

I bought a bowflex. It didn't work. My body didn't turn in to the body that the 50 year old granny in the commercial has. Evidently to acquire such a body I have to use the damn thing. I dust it occasionally.

The second time it happened I bought Micheal Thurmonds 6 week body makeover. By the time it came to me in the mail, 3 weeks later!, the excitement of being skinny wore off. Now there is no doubt in my mind that it works. It wouldn't be a bad program as long as you don't like fat, sugar, caffeine, salt, carbs, dairy, or anything with flavor. Other than that I wouldn't say it was a bad program.

I was actually going to do the program for just 6 weeks and lose 30lbs ( which is realistic because you basically eat chicken and broccoli. But I forgot and had a Dr. Pepper for breakfast.

So I guess I will just be chunky or chubby or whatever cute word I can find today for being fat.

AND THE WINNER IS.....

drumroll please........







The winner of the free blog makeover from Trendy Mommy Designs is......





WIFEY'S HOUSE!



Using my totally scientific method of selection ( I drew a name out of a hat) Wifey was drawn.

Everyone give a big round of applause!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Menu Plan Monday

In an effort to keep dinner time as simple as possible I am participating in this with OrgJunkie.com - great website. If you have time check it out!

Monday-Taco night w/ all the goodies that go on them and Mexican Rice
Tuesday- Chicken Strips/French Fries (homemade)/Mac&Cheese
Wensday- Meatloaf/Mashed Potatos/Corn on the Cob/Homemade Buscuits
Thursday- Cheeseburgers/Fries/GreenBeans
Friday- Lasana w/ Garlic Bread and Salad
Saturday- Leftovers (better known as "fend for yourself-mama aint your slave!)
Sunday- Take out!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Only Two Days Left to Win a Free Blog Makeover!

Just a reminder!
You only have two days left to win a free blog makeover from Trendy Mommy Blog Designs.

Not much competition so far and ANY one can win!

Just scroll down to the party post and enter your name on Mr. Linky!

Friday, March 21, 2008

What Memories are You Leaving Behind?

Like every other parent on earth, I have a lot on my plate. It doesn't matter if your a Stay-At-Homer, a working parent, a parent going back to school, married or single one.

We have a lot on our plate with trying to raise kids in any environment, and we put most of this junk on our already full plate.

It's our world, we just stick the kids in it.

Last summer I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree. I actually decided to change majors after working as a Laboratory Assistant at a local hospital the year before. The hospital ran in to money problems, and 200 of us expendable (not degree holding) workers got the boot.

I spent the months between January and August having a blast redecorating my house and living off unemployment benefits and Hub.

Then they money ran out. So back to work I went. I ended up at the local store for the summer. Hated every minute of it and decided that I was going back to school.

I did late enrollment at the community college ( the only one within 80 miles from my house, that I drive to 3 times a week) and kept working at the store. My youngest daughter (Thing2) went to Kindergarten and I thought I had it all together.

Then things started falling apart.

I missed field trips and snack days. I spent most days not at school or work, looking for babysitters ( THANK GOD I had my mom) and studying.

My house fell a part, my kids fell a part, and I don't recall seeing Hub. He was smart enough to run from the chaos that had become our life.

I can't remember if my kids wore underwear to school everyday, but I do remember saying " Mommy has to study. Do you want her to flunk out, not be able to get a good job, and have to support her when she's old and daddy has killed himself from working 90 hours a week trying to put you both through college alone!!"

I remember saying that a lot.

I promise I am going somewhere with this, stay with me.

The semester ended, I made the dean's list and I thought I finally get a break!

Then, two weeks before Christmas, I found a lump. A hard pea size lump, that felt like a rock was sitting a the base of my left breast.

I stayed calm, reassuring Hub, my parents, his parents, and the hoards of Sisters-in-law, that it was probably a pimple or something and I didn't have cancer and I wasn't going to die.

They weren't getting off that easy. I plan to be here for the rest of their lives to make them all as miserable as possible.

But in the back of mind, and when no one else was around, I was freaking the fark out!

What if? Hub can't raise two girls alone (he probably could, but damn that's mean of me to make him).

Suddenly, while waiting for ultrasound results, and doctors to get back from Christmas vacation to read them, my priorities changed.

All the plans I had to clean and organize, to get a head start on the next semester's work, all the plans I had, went out out the window.

I just wanted to play with my kids and spend time with Hub and the rest of my family.

A good job, good grades, and a clean house wasn't very important any more.

All the good parenting books say that kids don't remember if the house was clean., they remember their parents spending time with them.

Not true. I remember growing up in a house that wasn't clean or organized. I mean, it wasn't a pigsty, we never got any weird skin rashes or lice or anything. But clean, it wasn't.

I also, remember my mom playing board games and cards with me for hours. I remember her helping me build tents out of blankets and letting me eat ice cream for breakfast when I was sick. I remember her letting me run through the water hose and making play-doh animals with me.

My results came back as the lump being a clogged milk duct. My world righted itself and life went crazily back to normal. I am sitting in the middle of my semester at school at a point that can either make or break my grades for this semester. My house is a mess, and I am waiting for the skin rashes to break out. I am totally behind on everything.

And I spent all day yesterday, coloring Easter eggs with my kids.

What memories are you leaving behind?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Party Details and Custom Blog Design Give Away!

We are so happy with the new design here at Un-Domestic Mama, that we want to spread the happiness around!

We are giving away a custom Blog design from Trendy Mommy Designs (thetrendymommydesigns.blogspot.com)

The Design includes:
Custom Header
Coordinating Background
1 or 2 (your choice) sidebars
up to 4 Category images


To enter the drawing just leave a link to your blog in the Mr. Linky below!

Tell your a friend, have them mention your name in the comments, and we will enter your name twice!

The contest will run March 20-24th. The winner will be contacted and posted here on Tuesday March 25th.

Grab a Martini, spread the word, and don't forget to leave a comment!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Totally Random Stuff- Cause I don't have anything better to do.

Well, actually I could clean house or cook dinner, but then Hub might get confused if he comes home to a clean house or warm meal.

I would like to take this time to thank Hub for (my) his awsome camera. It takes great pics and is fun to play with.

I just seen a preview of my new trendy cool design. You are all going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO jealous. Yes, its that good.

My spring break is almost gone and I have gotten nothing done. Unless, you count cleaning up doggie doo and saving my grandmother from a watery grave, but the important stuff, like cleaning the fridge out and the two (or is it three) test and the rest of the homework that I have to do is not done.

I mean really, how could a college education I all ready have $20K in that important anyway?

I will just have to go to work when I am done with that. I should have really thought this whole "furthering my education so I can contribute to society like a normal person" thing through a little more.

Well, I would have spent the rest of my life as a SAHM, but HELLO!, have you ever done that? These poor women bust the arse all day long (and night) and not one of these (my) brats ever say thank you! Nope, all that is heard is 'I'm hungry, wipe my butt, I didn't mean to stick the cat in the microwave AGAIN, mom.

Makes me want to poke my eye out just for the little vacation I would I get on the ride to the hospital.

Puppy Poopy Scavanger Hunt!

My new puppy has invented a new game.

Its called Puppy Poopy Scavanger Hunt.

All you need to play this game is:

(1) puppy, not yet potty trained
(1) hour of un-restricted access to the entire house for said puppy
(1) bowl of puppy chow.
(1) Unsuspecting family

This is how you play:

Feed puppy bowl of puppy chow.

Get call to rescue your grandmother, before flood waters engulf her and send her down flooded town, clinging to tree branches, yelling about how her ungrateful grandkids forgot about her.

Leave all doors and puppy gates open as not to restrict puppy from finding the perfect hiding spot for present(s).

First person to step in Puppy poop wins!

We played this game yesterday.

Hub won.

His prize was being able to cuss like a sailor at the puppy.

He wasn't aware he was playing.


I think the element of suprise was all worth it!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Hurry Build an Ark!

We are flooded!

9 inches of rain in 8 hours here!

The whole town is basically under water. Its crazy!

I just seen FEMA.
And the National Guard!

Luckily, my house is on high ground and I don't have to worry about the water.

So, I did what any responsible parent would do. I packed my kids in the car and went to take pictures of all the raging water and people's stuff floating off.

You see stuff like this on T.V. but when you are actually witnessing other people wading chest deep water you really understand the devastation on their lives.

I went and evacuated my Grandmother from her home, it was taking on water.

Pictures to come.

Stay tuned!

Thanks for the Lemons Life.

Being a good God fearing southern Baptist, I do not put any merit in to horoscopes.



But right there, on the front page of MSN, mine was gleaming at me brightly this morning and could not be ignored.



It truly said " today is a good day to shop for clothes."



These horoscope people know how to get a girls attention.



And it couldn't be a better day to shop, as Hub ( I figured out a better name for him this morning! Dic....), woke up in a "mood."




Funny, I thought it was my week to have PMS.



Since he is so grumpy this morning, I can think of nothing better to cheer him up then dropping a couple hundred at Target or Old Navy.



I know if I was being a beyotch for no good reason besides the fact I like making people as miserable as me, that I would feel better seeing Hub in new clothes.



I think I will take all the lemons life is throwing at me this morning and squirt them on Hub, that way he has a reason to be a sour puss.



Monday, March 17, 2008

Go AWAY Little Demon Kids!

I had a nice long rant, but decided to shorten it. If I piss off anymore neighbors, or people in this little redneck town, Hub (short for Hubby cause I am lazy and can't think of a good name for him.) will kick my arse.

Just know that these kids are the spawn of something either evil or stupid.


I love my kids.

I don't love the kids that come over to play with mine. Uninvited.

If they were my children I would sell them on Ebay, with a no return policy. Then I would ship them using a fake address from Germany so the little brats could not be dumped out in the middle of the night back at my house!

42 Things You Didn't Know You Wanted to Know!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night. I was reading this: http://theredneckmommy.com

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yep, it’s all swirly and girly.

4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, two girls.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes! Cause I‘m the bomb!

7. DO YO USE SARCASM A LOT? Nah, not me…

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. Why? Do you need a set?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure, and I would sing “ I belive I can fly…”

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Cap’n Crunch

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope, I have them so
stretched out I don’t have to tie them to put them on either.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Stronger than what? A mouse? Yep. An elephant? Nope.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? I like any ice cream but strawberry. Or yucky Cherry.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes.

15. RED OR PINK? Both!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My skin. I have adult acne.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My cousin Luke. He’s in Iraq.

18. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue Jeans. Brown Skechers

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Dr. Pepper

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Something on the cartoon network.

21. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Yellow. I don’t know why.

22. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Vanilla, My husband after he showers with Irish Spring soap

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Mom.

24. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? I don’t watch sports. Unless you count VH1’s Rock of Love.

25. HAIR COLOUR? Natural? I don’t remember. Currently? Brown

26. EYE COLOUR? Green.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. I enjoy being blind. I think I can see fine.

28. FAVORITE FOOD? Tacos

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Under the Tuscan Sun.

31. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink and Grey

32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. I can’t stand to be cold.

33. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses. Unless I don’t know you. Then don’t get in my space.

34. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Cake. Lots and lots of cake.

35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? One on how to write CCS and Xhtml

36.. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSEPAD? No mouse pad for me. Can’t stand them.

37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Rock of Love, George Lopez.

38. FAVOURITE SOUND? About any kind of music.

39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones.

40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Either Texas or Alabama. Not far really.

41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? My husband thinks so… Oh and I can decorate a cake like no one’s business…

42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Hicktown, Missouri

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Un-domestic Mama is getting Trendy!

No, the Today Show hasn't contacted me (yet...) But I did contact Jen over at Trendy Mommy Designs about spiffing up this place.

The blinding white is killing me.

She's going help with the mojo thing.

So don't be surprised if you come over one day and I have become all trendy and cool.

Green with envy about my impending makeover? Want one of your own?

Go check out her site then! Geez, what are you waiting for?

www.thetrendymommyblogdesigns.blogspot.com

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Why do your boobies point at the floor?

I feel blessed and lucky to have girls. I don't have to worry about getting dressed in front of them will mess them up and they will talk about me later in therapy because they are unable- to-find- any- woman-attractive-that- does- not- have -stretch- marks- covering- half- their- body- like- his- mom-did.

Besides, girl babies are a luxury in my husbands family. There are 16 grandchildren, and 4 girls total.

I own 2 of them.
Ne'ner ne'ner.

But there are times when all this is not so great. Hubby doesn't have to participate in any talks about the tampons, why all women hate men 5-7 days out of the month, or how the baby gets out.

He also doesn't have to explain Newton's Law of Gravity.

Thing2: "Mommy, how come you wear that?"

Me: "So mommy's boobs stay out from under her armpits."

Thing2: "They don't go under your armpits mommy."

Me: "They do when I take this Victorian torture device off, honey. "

Thing2, pointing: "The brown things look like eyeballs mommy."

Me: "They are nipples."

Thing2: "But they look like eyeballs." Still pointing. "One is looking at me and the other is looking at the floor. "

She thought this was so funny that she laughed until she rolled off the bed.

She got a kick out of it. I got a complex.