Tuesday, March 25, 2008

12 Weeks to Summer and I am screwed!

Random thought for the day:

You never know how short your arms are until the last roll of toilet paper has somehow made it behind the toilet.

I am exactly 32lbs heavier this year than I was last year at this time. I know this because I found a notebook that was using to track weight loss. Then I weighed myself. I know now why I never liked the scales.

I have struggled most of my adult life with my weight. I am pretty sure I have tried every diet and "plan" that money can buy.

I would try crack, but its expensive and Hub gets pissy at the thought of having a junky for a wife. I know, he is to picky. Besides, my kids are already embarrassed to be seen with me. Imagine if they had to introduce me to their friends " Hi, This is my mom. Isn't she skinny. Please ignore her tweaker sores and odd twitch that she developed. " (my apologies to any real drug users for how badly I probably messed that up. I have no idea if people get sores from crack or twitch. My knowledge comes from the weird stinky guy hanging out at the store that is obviously on something. Or maybe his mother fed him paint chips. Either way?)

I suffer from insomnia. A lot. And a fat, tired, nearing middle age woman should not be allowed to watch infomercials.

I was just sitting on the couch, eating Doritos, having a pity party about being fat and watching infomercials.

I bought a bowflex. It didn't work. My body didn't turn in to the body that the 50 year old granny in the commercial has. Evidently to acquire such a body I have to use the damn thing. I dust it occasionally.

The second time it happened I bought Micheal Thurmonds 6 week body makeover. By the time it came to me in the mail, 3 weeks later!, the excitement of being skinny wore off. Now there is no doubt in my mind that it works. It wouldn't be a bad program as long as you don't like fat, sugar, caffeine, salt, carbs, dairy, or anything with flavor. Other than that I wouldn't say it was a bad program.

I was actually going to do the program for just 6 weeks and lose 30lbs ( which is realistic because you basically eat chicken and broccoli. But I forgot and had a Dr. Pepper for breakfast.

So I guess I will just be chunky or chubby or whatever cute word I can find today for being fat.


3girlsmom said...

Ok, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying at the BowFlex part. O. My. Goodness. Partly because it's just plain funny, and partly because I can totally relate. We have an elliptical machine in our basement bedroom. I have been on it 3 times in 7 years. We thought about selling it, but my dad got fussy and said if we sold it, he wouldn't have anything to hang his pants on when he came to visit. So it's still here. We also have a treadmill that my in-laws gave us because they my father-in-law got too heavy for it. HA! He had to buy one that would hold more weight. Anyone see a problem here? It's neatly folded in the garage. Maybe we'll get too heavy for it, too, and have to go buy another one.
Anyhoo, came across your blog on the WFMW blog. Thanks for this hilarious moment in my day.

mom_of2boys said...

Your story is funny but I know it's frustrating when you want or are trying to lose the weight and the scale doesn't change (or you lose motivation completely). Good luck to you!