Saturday, May 17, 2008

Lingerie.. more work than its worth?

I ordered some lingerie to help celebrate Hubs birthday and our 10 anniversary of wedded bliss. I found a great (read: cheap) site online that has some amazing stuff and great selection at really great prices. So I ordered some.

Now, I am not big on lingerie just cause it always seemed like a waste of money in earlier wedded years, mainly cause it cost money and we didn't have any. Now we have a little. So I bought some. Nothing like keeping it alive like getting slutted (is that a word?) up.

So I pull out the dominatrix looking outfit (black lace up corset, 5 inch stripper heels, fishnet stockings with those things that hold them up and snap to the corset, g-string that could be better suited as fishing line) and hop in the bathroom to get dressed.

First, I notice that I really need to shave as the forest of leg hair takes away the effects of the fishnet. I couldn't take a shower for fear of messing up my sexyfied (is that a word?) hair that I done early in the day and put up in a ponytail to make it mommy like til the kids went to bed. So I am balancing in the tub, trying to shave parts a razor should never ever get close to and take a hunk of perfectly good skin out of my ankle. We all know oozing wounds just add to the sex appeal.

That finished I did some supposed sexy eye make-up with the whole smoky look and red lips. I ended up with one red eye from poking myself with the black eyeliner.

Now that my ankle is bleeding and my eye is watering and red I laced up the back of the corset and then tried to figure out how to get the damn thing on with out all the laces coming out. I doubt that I can lace it back up while wearing it since the laces are behind me. I decide stepping in to it might be easier than pulling it over my head. This is before I realized that my hips are bigger than my head.

Eventually I get wiggled in to it and the laces are mostly straight. I only broke a little bit of a sweat. I commence to getting on the fishnet stockings. Fishnets can make you feel like a sex goddess. Until you snag them with your ragged thumb nail and remind yourself of how badly you need a manicure. So I get them on and untangle my poor thumb nail and then realize that the stocking suspender things (what is the name of these stupid things!) did not come with instructions. I have no idea how to work them or get my stockings attached to them. Finally after breaking an even bigger sweat and my pinky nail I get them open (really how hard would it be to write slide this way with an arrow on these things)

Okay, sexy hair.. makeup.. check..dominatrix corset...check... fishnet stockings with blood spot from ankle and snags from thumb nail... check. Now all I need are the shoes.

I LOVE shoes. I have never met a pair I didn't like and I own all the pairs I love. So when I found these strappy black ones with the ankle straps and the amazing 5 inch pointy heel I knew I needed them. I can't possibly rule the bedroom with out a good pair of shoes.

What know one ever tells you is that once you get your foot in a pair of 5 inch heels you HAVE to stand up and prop your foot on something to get the ankle strap, closed. Its just not humanly possible to get it done any other way ( unless you are flexiable and I am NOT). So I get one on and get it strapped without a whole lot of sweat or tears. Then I try to put on the other one.

Have you ever attempted to balance on one leg while wearing 5 inch stilts? I just about feel over and knocked my head on the sink TWICE while trying to get this f-ing shoe on!! I can just imagine my kids or the paramedics finding me with a bleeding head wound sprawled on the bathroom floor with all this garb, minus a shoe, on.

Finally I get all these torture devices on and then realize if I can't balance in them, I sure as hell can't walk in them! So I did this pigeon toed shuffle all the way back to the bedroom, fearing that the paramedics would find me in the kitchen, sprawled on the floor, with a broken back.

At this point the only thing I deserve more than hot lovin' is some Ben&Jerry's straight from the carton.

But I am on a mission, so I shuffle on and make it to the bedroom without falling or breaking anything.

I am thinking that if women are dressing like this for a living and doing 10 costume changes a night they can not possibly getting paid enough!


mom2kchmw said...

I love this post. I too think that lingere is for the birds, but, like you said - all in the name of spicing things up. I've never even tried the get up you described, but now I don't want to either! My dh will thank you - NOT! :D Thanks for sharing!

Misty said...

Oh my goodness. When I first started reading your post I thought to myself "Wow, this is a GREAT idea..."

Suffice it to say, I am thinking a little differently now.

Anonymous said...

Well, good for you for trying to spice things up even if you got all cut up and sweaty trying to do it. Luckily my husband has a thing for workout clothes. I'm totally serious. So those are my lingerie. I don't actually work out in them. Never.

Jen said...

Ok, that was my comment above. I accidentally clicked anonymous. Maybe I should have left it anonymous because now that I read it, it is kind of embarrassing. :)

Un-Domestic Mama said...

HA! I wish my husband had a thing for workout clothes. I would stock up on those supper cute Juicy tracksuits....


White Hot Magik said...

OMG that was too funny and I can totally relate!