Sunday, March 30, 2008

What if its all a lie?

I have spent much money and time working for a degree so I can get a job, find my calling, make oddles of money and be RICH RICH I TELL YOU and enjoy life a little more. We have all made a lot of sacrifices. The house hasn't had a good deep cleaning in a year. I constantly feel like I am swimming upstream with a big barge in front of me. I am pretty sure all this is worth it.

Sorta sure.

And then I see this article from an interview with Meg Wolitzer on a new book she has written about SAHM's


“The notion that everyone has a calling, that everyone has a talent, that everyone has a passion, isn’t true,” said Ms. Wolitzer, whose graying curly hair and laugh lines betray her age, but whose baggy leather jacket and battered brown leather satchel recall her years as a writing student. “I didn’t understand that.”


I have been searching my whole life for that one thing, that one passion, that something that I can say I could spend the rest of my life doing and never earn a dime for it, and be remembered for.
And raising children don't count cause they will eventually end up in therapy and move away, so I can't spend the rest of my life raising them. Besides I don't want to be still doing their laundry when they are 40 years old and I don't have a basement to for them to live in.
I am sure that many women do feel like raising their children is their calling. And I support that with every thing I have, but I can't call it mine because it is to scary to think about where I will be when they no longer need me. I don't want to be old and waiting for them to call me so feel needed.

I have changed my major so many times that, had so many different hobbies I have walked away from, and never felt an undying passion for any of them.

And honestly (Hubs, if you read this don't kill me) I am still not 100% positive that the major I have choosen now is what I want.

Problem is that the things I have passion for change everyday, sometimes every hour. I want to be a SAHM-Domestic-Diva-Supermommy. Until I am being one. Then I want nothing more than to get away from the monsters I call children.
When I am in school full time I just want my house clean. I mean clean like House Beautiful clean.

I seem to have a lot of quit in me. When things get hard, I hit the road. When things go bad, see ya! When chaos hits, well, I already walked away. I don't seem capable of the juggling act that other women have. It seems I can only have one ball in the air at a time.

Now, I am jaded enough to belive that I can't have it all at the same time. I still have to ask " Why the hell not?"

So, dear mothers, daughters, college students, wives, etc,etc, How do you do it?

And if you wanna read the article go here : Crazy interview that got in my head


Carol Van Rooy said...

To bad there was money in being a professional blogger. You'd make a killin'

Un-Domestic Mama said...

Ah' my one true fan. I am going to give you much linky love tomorrow.
In a Big. Long. Post. Teeheheeeeeeeeee (that's my evil laugh)