I *Heart* a clean house...

Yes, ME! Un-domestic mama has become domestic. And I owe it all to Darla Shine and her Happy Housewives Club.


Let me tell you a little story...

I tried flylady, I tried a cleaning lady, I tried begging, crying, pleading, working my butt off, sitting on my butt, bitching, whining, moaning, stimulants (not hardcore drugs, nicotine and coffee). I tried list, I tried reminders, I tried EVERY book I could get my hands on about cleaning and organizing. I tried every website my little fingers could google. I tried doing nothing but cleaning and doing everything but cleaning.

Nothing, and I mean nothing worked.

Til I found Darla's book and this website. I ALMOST did not by the book, based on a bad review at amazon, saying it was an out-dated 50's view point and that Darla thought men was superior to women or something to that effect. So I kept searching for the magic pill, but something would NOT let me forget about the book. So I googled Darla (sounds dirty ) and found the site. I read the homepage and then clicked on the Homemaking page and read all 20 pages without stopping.

Then I bought the book and never looked back. In the last three months my family has went from eating take-out and living in squalor (doggie doo in the floor, cause I just didnt have time to potty train a dog, kids making one mess after another, dishes that had not been cleaned in two weeks, ceiling fans that were off balance due to the dirt and dust build up, etc. etc.) It was bad.

Now, three months later... my kitchen is ALWAYS clean. I can't sleep at night if it isn't. My dog is potty trained. My kids are picking up after themselves without being asked (mostly) I cook dinner EVERY night. We have not had takeout in at least two months. My laundry is clean and put away after every load. We all have clean and matching sheets on our beds. I can find stuff.

I feel good. I love how clean my house is. I let people in when they come to visit. I can clean the whole house in under 30 minutes at any given time. I am sooooo much less stressed about the house. I am not dreading school starting at all.

Thank You Darla. I am happy, my kids are better (somewhat) behaved, my husband (I think?) is happier about the house (even though he rarely said anything about it when it was nasty) If it was not for your book and this website, I KNOW how bad it would still be and how miserable I would still be.

So to anyone that is on the fence and has tried everything else, grab this book and ALLOW yourself to change. Don't listen to anyone else who says it wont work cause it never has. Don't let them see the book if that is what it takes. Just do it. Give Darla and everyone here a chance to help you. It is SO worth it!

Go Here!

Blog? What blog?

OHHHH!!! This blog. Yeah, I remember now.

Its been a while. Why, when summer time is supposed to be relaxing and easier, without the rush rush when school is in and the holidays seasons, is summer busier than any of the other times of the year?

I dunno either. I alternate between not being able to get anything done, to being bored out of my mind with nothing to do. Besides wait for the puppies to open their eyes so I can play with them.. Grow little mutts! Grow! Get furry and fat so you can trip me by being under my feet and chew up my favorite shoes.

Ahh. The waiting kills me.

My kids are summer school drop-outs. They went all of two days before proclaiming that mom was right, and children should not go to school during the summer. That's right. I am right and know-er of everything. WaaHAAA!

But with good things, like school being out, comes the bad. Like boredom. Thing 1 & 2 spent all of yesterday fighting over..... are you ready for it....


A CARDBOARD BOX!

Yeah, like one of those brown boxes that target and other wonderful stores, ships things in. A box.

Out of the BILLIONS of toys and TRILLIONS of dollars I have spent on them, my kids choose to fight over recycled paper products.

*sigh* When does school start again?

I'm a puppy grandma!

After weeks of waiting and a due date that was off by 5 days I came home last night to two born puppies and one puppy on its way in to the world.

On my loveseat that is two weeks old.

Good times.

But the wet spot ( I had enough brain cells to cover the cushions in case of such an event) on the back of one cushion was not enough to poop my party of puppies!

We ended up with four rat looking little guys and girls (two of each) that look fat and healthy and are nursing like pros.

Retard-o the wonder puppy evidently is good at being a mama, even if she can't get this -you-gotta-pee-outside- thing down.

But hey, we can't all be good at everything...

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Remember that huge test I had to study for so I could get in to this exclusive program at school that only had 20 seats.....

Well, I got in!!

BUT ( isn't there always a but) I am having a hard time feeling good about it cause:

a.) gas prices are horrid and just getting worse and I have a feeling I am going to have to drive 160 miles a DAY (to the school and back) 4-5 days a week. AHHGG!

b.) I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something is bound to go wrong cause it always has in the last 10 years since I began this journey toward a college education.

What if this isn't the right time and then my chances for doing this will be gone and I never get picked again and for some reason we go broke trying to afford gas and then the nice crappy banker takes everything back and I suck.

Okay. Deep breath. I need a Sangaria and a nap.

Breaking News!

I MADE THE DEAN"S LIST!! ( like honor roll for grown ups)


that is all...

My Friend has a German Weiner!

Oh that is sick! Its her dog! Hello! It is part German Shepard and part Dachshund (weiner dog).

I am going to have Yorkie puppies anytime in the next week or so... the build-a-bear underwear and pantyliner worked well... until boogs the wonder dog learned to leap buildings in a single bound and knocked up my girl while I was at school. At least they are both yorkies and I am not going to get any weird breeds... like Borkies (beagle and yorkie?) or Porkies (pugs and yorkies?) or Dorkies! (weiner dog and yorkie?)

I just cant. wait. to play midwife to a dog. Even if it is my dog. Wonder if I can talk Hubs into helping if things go bad... Wonder if I can get the vet (who assures me that assistance is probably not going to be needed by me and I can stop worrying about my dog dying, cause yorkies are tiny when born.), but I her stomach is so freaking big it looks like there is a 6 month old pony in there, to take her til she delievers.( wow who knew I could mess up punction that badly)
Just let her stay awhile. Wonder if they make preganant doggie spa's?
Seriously, the dog is so big that she can no longer just lie down. She kinda just falls on to her side, and she sleeps on her back with her legs all sprawled out to the sides. She prefers Hubs side of the bed and his pillow. Smart doggie.

Schools out... the Teacher let the Monkeys out...

one went east... one went west... one went up the teachers dress!

WAHHHAAA.

SCHOOL IS OUT! I AM FREE!!

Now that I got that out of my system...

I am offically out for the summer. Besides those online classes, but I still have 10 days before they start.

While I am free from school work, I am not free from the wreck that is my home. So for the next three days I will be doing a massive clean that involves rubber gloves and chemicals that will rid me off any lingering nose hairs I may have.

I figure it will take me three days to go through every nook and cranny and cabniet and corner and sanatize any kid germs that may be lurking. shudder

I am also positive I am going to find something that will make interesting blog fodder.

I am going in, if I don't return within 3 days please call in Merry Maids to free me from whatever pile of junk I am stuck under. (tell them to bring their carpet cleaner and they can do my floors too!)

Lingerie.. more work than its worth?

I ordered some lingerie to help celebrate Hubs birthday and our 10 anniversary of wedded bliss. I found a great (read: cheap) site online that has some amazing stuff and great selection at really great prices. So I ordered some.

Now, I am not big on lingerie just cause it always seemed like a waste of money in earlier wedded years, mainly cause it cost money and we didn't have any. Now we have a little. So I bought some. Nothing like keeping it alive like getting slutted (is that a word?) up.

So I pull out the dominatrix looking outfit (black lace up corset, 5 inch stripper heels, fishnet stockings with those things that hold them up and snap to the corset, g-string that could be better suited as fishing line) and hop in the bathroom to get dressed.

First, I notice that I really need to shave as the forest of leg hair takes away the effects of the fishnet. I couldn't take a shower for fear of messing up my sexyfied (is that a word?) hair that I done early in the day and put up in a ponytail to make it mommy like til the kids went to bed. So I am balancing in the tub, trying to shave parts a razor should never ever get close to and take a hunk of perfectly good skin out of my ankle. We all know oozing wounds just add to the sex appeal.

That finished I did some supposed sexy eye make-up with the whole smoky look and red lips. I ended up with one red eye from poking myself with the black eyeliner.

Now that my ankle is bleeding and my eye is watering and red I laced up the back of the corset and then tried to figure out how to get the damn thing on with out all the laces coming out. I doubt that I can lace it back up while wearing it since the laces are behind me. I decide stepping in to it might be easier than pulling it over my head. This is before I realized that my hips are bigger than my head.

Eventually I get wiggled in to it and the laces are mostly straight. I only broke a little bit of a sweat. I commence to getting on the fishnet stockings. Fishnets can make you feel like a sex goddess. Until you snag them with your ragged thumb nail and remind yourself of how badly you need a manicure. So I get them on and untangle my poor thumb nail and then realize that the stocking suspender things (what is the name of these stupid things!) did not come with instructions. I have no idea how to work them or get my stockings attached to them. Finally after breaking an even bigger sweat and my pinky nail I get them open (really how hard would it be to write slide this way with an arrow on these things)

Okay, sexy hair.. check..sexy makeup.. check..dominatrix corset...check... fishnet stockings with blood spot from ankle and snags from thumb nail... check. Now all I need are the shoes.

I LOVE shoes. I have never met a pair I didn't like and I own all the pairs I love. So when I found these strappy black ones with the ankle straps and the amazing 5 inch pointy heel I knew I needed them. I can't possibly rule the bedroom with out a good pair of shoes.

What know one ever tells you is that once you get your foot in a pair of 5 inch heels you HAVE to stand up and prop your foot on something to get the ankle strap, closed. Its just not humanly possible to get it done any other way ( unless you are flexiable and I am NOT). So I get one on and get it strapped without a whole lot of sweat or tears. Then I try to put on the other one.

Have you ever attempted to balance on one leg while wearing 5 inch stilts? I just about feel over and knocked my head on the sink TWICE while trying to get this f-ing shoe on!! I can just imagine my kids or the paramedics finding me with a bleeding head wound sprawled on the bathroom floor with all this garb, minus a shoe, on.

Finally I get all these torture devices on and then realize if I can't balance in them, I sure as hell can't walk in them! So I did this pigeon toed shuffle all the way back to the bedroom, fearing that the paramedics would find me in the kitchen, sprawled on the floor, with a broken back.

At this point the only thing I deserve more than hot lovin' is some Ben&Jerry's straight from the carton.

But I am on a mission, so I shuffle on and make it to the bedroom without falling or breaking anything.

I am thinking that if women are dressing like this for a living and doing 10 costume changes a night they can not possibly getting paid enough!

I have been married 10 years! Already?

I forgot to post on the actual day, but Hubs and me have been married for 10 years since May 9th. Can you believe we have put up with each other that long? I figured he would have traded me in when my waist line went in to hiding with Thing 1 and never returned...

Must be my domestic abilites that keep him coming back for more. Yeah. Thats it.

Just thought I would share.

I'll finish this week or die trying!

Could this week get any longer? I sure as heck hope not!

Thing 2 graduated Kindergarden. She was so cute waving her little colored streamers to the song " over the rainbow" when she came in with her class. My little space cadet however, kept waving her rainbow through the. whole. graduation. My kid inattentive? Nah. She gets that from her mama. Ah well.

Thing 1 started volleyball camp this week. She has the coordination of a frog. She gets that from me to. Poor thing. All she can really do is hop after the ball. Plus if her chicken legs or wrist get any smaller the ball will break them. I don't know where she gets that. Now, I aint a "Big" mama, but I have never been "slight." Must be from her 6 foot daddy that weighs 220 and has muscles in his forearm bigger than my butt cheek. Yeah, that is probably were she gets all them bones.

Speaking of Hubs.... wonder were he is. I am not sure I have seen him this semester. If he was smart he ran off and found him ( or me) a wife that can cook and clean and do other wifey type stuff. Not one stuck to her laptop writing papers about bacteria and stem cells. Ehh. I am just so much fun, we all know he would never be able to replace me.

I am so far behind I think I passed the finish line going the wrong way. Tuesday I am done, even if I don't have all the work done. Sadly, I am looking foward to having nothing more presssing to do all summer than cleaning my ceiling fan blades, which I am scared to turn on for fear of being attacked by the dust on them.

Hello Nervous Break Down!

Its been a while since I seen you. Well, no time for a break down today, maybe I can just pop a Xanxa ( is that how its spelled?) and keep moving....

What a month and I am only 7 days in. Its crazy! Finals is almost here and since we missed so much school due to weather early in the semester all my instructors (except for my wonderful business teacher) is cramming half a semester in a week and half. Fun!

Anyway, Thing 1 had a horrible bike wreak on the gravel driveway at her grandma's. This involoved lots of blood, missing skin, and a slight head wound. She has a helmet and knee and elbow pads. But of course " We survived no seat belts in cars, kids don't need all that crap to ride a bike!" Thanks G-mom! I can see since my kid is bleeding from the head and has no skin left on her leg. These things are a waste of money...
*sigh* She is fine but a total drama queen and the second she gets bored (since I banned her from the bike till all wounds are healed and gone) then she is dying and her leg is going to fall off and maybe her neck is broken and a mom who loved her would take her to the hospital for a full body CT scan. No more Discovery Health for her.

Hub's Birthday is today! Happy Birthday HUBS!!! LOVE YOU!!
I ordered trashy lingerie for him ( for me to wear not him- hahah) but it is not here yet. Guess he is getting me in pearls and 5 inch heels. *shrug* It will have to do... If he is lucky he will get a cake too. I would get him a real gift, but he is spoiled and owns everything he wants that is under 20k.

Well, thats all for now. Hang in there. I swear one day I will return with something mind stimulating to read.

How to Make Any Man Happy.

( yes, I know I am supposed to be studying or something but I have to post this)

I have a "friend" who calls me often for the sole purpose of bitching about her ungrateful husband. He doesn't help her enough with anything. Not the kids, the house, what she wants to do. Her house isn't good enough, even though they just bought a new one and its ten times bigger than mine, with new furniture etc. etc.
All he does is gripe when she goes shopping etc. etc. etc...

Ladies, I am going to let you in on a secret.

Men are easy. Really easy creatures that are easy to please. They know it (so no hate mail from the men - you know the truth, you just don't like me sharing it) and it is time you knew it too.

If you want a man who will never stray, put you on pedestal, give you everything you want (within reason , but if not he would bust his ass and break his neck trying)and be the most loving and attentive man on earth, you have to learn what makes a man's world go round.

There is only three things a husband wants from his wife. All men want these three things. And you can give them to him. No matter what size, shape, etc etc you are. Men only want THREE things.

I was lucky enough to learn this at an early age.

As for my friend, she knows the secret but does not use it. Why? I dunno. She is dumb. Because any wife can do it, it doesn't involve sex and it works.

Okay here it is. Old fashioned? Maybe. But it works. So stop being stupid and use it!

Men want:

1. To be needed. Make him feel needed and like you could not go on breathing without his very presence. You have to make him feel like he is the most important thing in the world and nothing as good as him as been made since he entered the world.

2. To be taken care of. I said taken care of not mothered! There is a difference. Fold his shirts the way he likes, don't bitch at him for leaving it on the floor. Cook his favorite meal once in a while. Act like you care if he is happy ( which comes across much better if you actually do care.) If when he does something stupid, don't berate him. Talk to him like you would another adult you have a problem with and then let it go. Support his decisions and let him make his own mistakes ( like when he brings home a go-cart with asking you what you think and you KNOW he is going to break his leg or something ) Smile and tell him if that makes him happy... whatever. Then when he breaks his leg, bite your tongue and bring him a class a water to take his pain pills with.

And this goes for his house and kids too. Really important if your a SAHM. I know how hard it is to be one. I am one. This doesn't mean you can run around in your PJ's and "are much too busy with these kids clean". Don't BS me. This was my excuse for years. Give your kids a rag and squirt bottle of water. They can help. Most actually ENJOY it.

He is not expecting Martha Stewart clean. He just wants to be able to walk through the rooms and not catch a disease or stick to something.

3. Attention. This really wraps up the other two. Get off your ass and clean the house. I am not saying he gets to be a slob and leave his dishes all over the place and expect you to take care of them. Your not a slave or a maid. I mean, mop the floor and do the laundry. Expect him to clean up after himself like any other adult but don't ride his ass about how he never cleans the windows or vacuums the floor if you not doing it either.

Rub his back and tell him how great he is. Give him sex and don't make him beg. He isn't a dog, he's your husband. Get something nice to wear to bed and take care of yourself. No one wants to snuggle up to someone with hairy legs and ugly underwear or flannel pants. Jogging pants are a no no too!

My Granny used to say " If you want to keep a man interested, you have to keep him on his toes."

What that means is, take care of yourself. When you feel good, your automatically more desirable to everyone. Your man is going to pay attention to you if you seem more desirable to others. You don't have to flirt or cheat (this is really a deal breaker on the 3 secrets. They won't work at all if you do this) or really anything but take care of yourself physically and mentally. Other people like happy people.

And do not write me about your husband never pays you any attention, so why should you. He will be paying a LOT more attention if you just try this for a week or two.

Things are getting spotty...

I think May could be the busiest month me for me out of all the months of the year. Our family literally has 12 birthdays and 4 anniversaries. And they ain't through having kids or getting hitched yet...

Plus its Mothers Day (not that its a huge deal in my house *pout*), Memorial Day, the kids are out of school, science fair, Finals week for me, etc. etc. etc. Now Hubs work is demanding over time for May. Lots of it. So I am single again for the month of May. Both my girls b-days are in May too. Geez you would think we could keep our legs together in August...

Anyway. Postings are going to get spotty for the next few weeks. To my one fan. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! I will be back eventually. I will miss you all. I want to be here. Really. I PREFER to be here.

Sigh. I am supposed to take summer classes too. I don't wanna. Wish me luck or lottery winnings or something.

And WE HAVE A WINNER!

After counting and recounting to make sure I got everyone. I made ask my 8 year old to help me with numbering each post (and the post were people got a second entry) and then I had her draw a number!

Crazy Daisy is the Winner!! Hopefully she can find some great clothes for her upcoming Graduation!

Just email me with your address Crazy Daisy and I will get your card to you!

Un-Domesticmama@hotmail.com

Tag! I'm it!

SCATTERGORIES...It's harder than it looks! Erase my answers, enter yours, send it on to 10 people including the one that sent this to you.

Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things..nothing made up!

Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.




WHAT IS YOUR Name
Jennifer

4 LETTER WORD
Junk (That is in my trunk)

VEHICLE
Jaguar ( Yeah, baby Yeah!)

TV SHOW
Justice League ( its a cartoon ya know..)

CITY
Joplin, Missouri (that's all I could think of.)

BOY NAME
Jacob -too easy

GIRL NAME
Jessica ( my alter ego)

OCCUPATION
Judo Master ( Sounded more fun that Janitor)

SOMETHING YOU WEAR
Jeans!

FOOD
Juicy Fruit ( gum is too food, ask all the anorexic celebs.)

SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM
Janitor ( except in mine)

REASON FOR BEING LATE
Jogging ( as in I am in late because jogging is something I don't do!)

SOMETHING YOU SHOUT
Just quit calling me you %$%*&(&* ( as told to telemarketer the third time I talked to him yesterday)

I am going to tag someone ... but I am going to dig through the bloggy giveaway post and pick some newbies. So you have to wait.

Is this withdrawl or am I crazy?

I am actually doing quite well without the Dr.Pepper. Okay, so I am weak. I had 12oz today. But that is better than the 2 liters I would have normally consumed. Don't judge me. You couldn't break this early.

We had a nature thing for Girl Scouts, so the girls can earn their nature badge thing. (Yeah, I am real attentive at these things) So I am walking around with a group of 18 girls and their mothers ( who all happen to look like those amazing moms that have their whole life together in a neat little package, and they get to shower every day.) So of course I am feeling like queen of the group with my spilled tea on shirt, headache from hell, and hair all tangled up in knotty/bun thingy on top of my head. I do make a pretty picture.

I am not an outdoors kinda girl. I don't like "critters" of any kind. If they sting and buzz around, I am gone. I don't like spiders, snakes, or even ladybugs. I can handle most butterflies as long as they don't land on me and are pretty. I was in my element. We are all walking around looking for nature things with my head about to explode and I start feeling like things are crawling on me.

These nasty little prickles of withdrawl are climbing up my arms and legs. Its been a long time since I had experienced caffiene withdrawl, but if I am having headaches and prickles the first day, then the next 20 are going to be fabulous!

I felt like I was going nuts. I can't imagine having real withdrawls like from crack or something. I am such a wimp. Or possibly crazy.

Then I realize that I am not a wimp or crazy. There are these weird little bugs falling out of the tree I am standing under CRAWLING ON ME!

Game over. I am out. I went inside and debugged myself and then sit on the nice pretty deck and observed in the saftey nice warm sunshine.

Goodbye Dr.Pepper... You will be missed.

I am in a funk today. I am not really tired, but I have no energy to speak of at all. I have days like these all to frequently. I know, in the back of brain (where the logical sane part hangs out), that my diet and lifestyle is the cause. Way to much junk, stress,etc.

Sooooooo.

It is time to grow up, put on my big girl panties and start taking better care of myself. I am tired of being 40lbs 20lbs overweight.

Its the Dr.Pepper. I am embarrassed to admit that I consume probably close to 2 liters of this a day. Yes, 2 liters. A day. That wasn't a typo.

21 days to break a habit. I am swearing off soda for the next 21 days. I am going to drink tea or coffee to knock back the caffiene headache that is sure to come, but for the next 21 days I am saying NO to soda.

and I am making an appointment to check out Chantix. Yes, I smoke to. I have tried quitting many times, with many different gums and patches. Guess I didn't want it bad enough. Not even a cancer scare could make me stop. This time I am ready and I am all for any drug that will numb my nicotine recepters.

Hopefully, no bodies will need to be disposed of during the next 21 days.

I'm still here.. somewhere

Just dropping a note to let my faithful readers know that I am still here. I usually post constantly once a day or so, but with homework and the big-test-that-makes-or-breaks-my-career in two weeks, I have been studying like crazy!

I am however having a lot of fun visiting everyone's blogs durning the bloggy carnival. Scroll down for my post and a chance to win a Target GC! I can not believe I have had over 200 people post already! That is sooooo coool. Even if most of my visiters are coming for the gift card. Hopefully I can make some new bloggy friends durning this carnival.

Be watching for my linky love post this weekend, I am going to list my favorite new blogs. I have a feeling there is going to be tons of them!

OH, and Hubs has been super busy around the house. I have a beautiful new kitchen and bathroom floor and a super cute new gate for the front of the house. Pictures will come when I get the flowers planted and the rest of the landscaping (that means picking up trash hehehe) around the house.

C'mon on in, My House is Always a Mess...

Ever notice that know seems to visit when the house is clean? I try to keep my company ready, but some weeks, months days it goes a little out of control. That is when someone new visits.

Obviously, it does not matter to Hubs that his friends see the day old dishes in the sink and the shredded paper the dog attacked. Or the pile of dirty clothes my little exhibitishonist (Thing2) dropped all over the house at random. Or the peanut butter sandwich that the dog also attacked when I wasn't looking. Farking dogs...

Long ago I would often make excuses " Oh, we have been sick" " Please excuse the mess, a random tornado fell out of the sky 10 minutes before you got here and we are so lucky to have all four walls and the roof still left. I think it entered and exited through the window and was only 7 foot high... thank goodness it got none of the other neighbors." Or my personal favorite, " A mask man just came and trashed the place, but didn't take anything." ( this is cause we have nothing of real value that the kids or dogs have not distroyed. hehe)

Now, not so much. I have no excuses. I will just tell them " I have two kids, two dogs, Hubs, School, carpooling, Girl Scouts, Grandparents to take care of. I am tired and busy and lazy. You might have to clean off a place to sit, but your unlikey to catch an illness. If your shoe sticks to the floor, let me know and I will windex you loose."

Yesterday I let the house and homework and everything else ( except the have to's like dinner and peeing) go. I needed a break, I was exhausted and pms-ing and I just didn't care. Besides we hardly have anyone vist except my mom and I learned my housekeeping skills from her. She doesn't judge. This morning, Hubs friend shows up. I don't care though, cause I don't like him anyway.

WIN A $25 TARGET GIFT CARD!

I have been looking forward to this! The big Bloggy giveaway is starting. A full week of bloggers giving and winning! My kinda party!

And I am giving away one (1) $25 Target Gift Card!

All you need to do is leave a comment in this post and the winner will be drawn on Saturday at 3:00 p.m. cst, at random, by Moi!

Tell a friend, have them mention it in their post and you are BOTH entered twice!

Want to win more stuff? Head over to the Bloggy Giveaway (click the pink button at the top of this post.) Find some great new blogs, make some great new friends, and win some great prizes!

Don't forget to leave a comment for a chance to win before heading over to check out the other giveaways!